Coasting

Normally I'd post this elsewhere...

Coasting.

That’s how my life was described to me today. Foot off the gas, very little steering, and just simply coasting down the hills in life and barely making it up the next. Just casually cruising through using complacency as the momentum. When I was told this I really had to stop and think about my life. The person who had told me wasn’t the type to sugar coat things. He has always been brutally and blatantly honest with me. And I’ve always found that a plain and truthful observation of the self usually comes from someone else.

For hours today I worked distracted and unsettled. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Just coasting. It was obvious to everyone but me. It was very evident in my jobs. I just didn’t care. I had no interest in them beyond getting a paycheck. I had no desire or passion to actually DO the job. And thus I just did what was told. No more and no less. I just didn’t care about the work, only the money.

To a lot of people I seem content or complacent. I’m not. When I look deep down into the core of things I am actually very miserable and distraught. Suddenly I feel alone, lonely, and scared. And I guess that’s what happens when someone shines a spotlight on the fallacy of your current life.

Passion, fire, drive. I used to have those things. 12 years ago I was overflowing with passions. I was a force to be reckoned with. And now I can’t remember what those dreams of an 18 year old were. All I know is that I let something slide. I dropped the ball somewhere. Maybe I became horribly discouraged. I don’t know. But what I know is that in 12 years I’ve done fuck all. I sit around like I couldn’t be arsed to do anymore than that. I’m disgustingly apathetic towards my own existence and desires. Jack shit are my accomplishments so far.

On my death bed I want to be able to look back and said that I did what I wanted. I did something. I know that whatever I do won’t be so grand as to cure cancer or end world hunger. But I want to be able to say something other than, “Eh… I coasted. I barely got by. I did some stuff”. I’m afraid that when I pass I’ll leave nothing behind. At my funeral people will say, “He was a nice guy” and that’s it. I’m an artist. I want to show people what I love. I want to make a living doing what I love. But even what I love has started to suffer. My drive and passion have been stifled in everything.

This isn’t a rut. This is something much worse. I’m lost and losing myself even further. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I don’t know where to begin. And now I’m asking any of you who read this to throw a dog a bone. Any and all of you. Please respond with any and all suggestions. Say something.

It’s been a while since I’ve been in this place.

With this all too familiar ache in me I stand staring into the abyss of myself, my core, my heart. Once again I have to face my emotions. Should I suppress them, kill them, or follow their commands?

It’s hard to think….

I’ve gone back in my memories over and over again. Rethinking and reliving my past, my failures, and the me I once was. Going back and observing the man I was as the man I am now I realize a lot of things. I despise who I was in the past. But that’s the folly of youth I guess. I have made a lot of mistakes and failed some people who are very important to me. But I guess that is life and its persistently painful lessons.

I need a moment to clear my head….

But life very rarely provides these moments. You either make due or make them yourself. I don’t who I am currently. I do know who I was and like I stated before, I despise him. But at the same time I cannot truly hate him. That confused broken boy is what helped make me into the man I am. I cannot say that I am the ideal person. But compared to my past I am a far cry better than what I subjected people in my life to. I would not be the person I am if not for the person I was.

Clarity of thought is crucial….

No matter how hard I think I cannot unravel this jumble of thoughts. This myriad of contemplations continuously plague me. I knew this would come sooner or later. I’ve been expecting it. For me a euphoric high is always followed by a devastating low. It’s hardly ever caused by a person other than myself. I am not who I want to be. I am not where I want to be in the end. But I was told something so wonderful. I was told something that shakes the foundation of any man. And even still I did what I usually do. I began to analyze myself. Contemplate everything that I am. And ultimately I end up tearing myself apart. This is now me trying to keep from destroying myself.

Contemplations of self….

They are rarely gentle. It does no good lying to yourself. I was once told that you can lie to everyone else but never ever lie to yourself. I honestly want to be more than what I was and what I am. I want to be something truly wonderful for myself and all those I care for. And it’s difficult. Especially when the only person to truly judge me is myself. I know that I cannot be perfect. But I can try. I can fight tooth and nail to ascend beyond what I am.

Yet I still cannot think….

Am I really that bad? Am I really as horrible as I think I am? Can I still ascend?