It’s been a while since I’ve been in this place.

With this all too familiar ache in me I stand staring into the abyss of myself, my core, my heart. Once again I have to face my emotions. Should I suppress them, kill them, or follow their commands?

It’s hard to think….

I’ve gone back in my memories over and over again. Rethinking and reliving my past, my failures, and the me I once was. Going back and observing the man I was as the man I am now I realize a lot of things. I despise who I was in the past. But that’s the folly of youth I guess. I have made a lot of mistakes and failed some people who are very important to me. But I guess that is life and its persistently painful lessons.

I need a moment to clear my head….

But life very rarely provides these moments. You either make due or make them yourself. I don’t who I am currently. I do know who I was and like I stated before, I despise him. But at the same time I cannot truly hate him. That confused broken boy is what helped make me into the man I am. I cannot say that I am the ideal person. But compared to my past I am a far cry better than what I subjected people in my life to. I would not be the person I am if not for the person I was.

Clarity of thought is crucial….

No matter how hard I think I cannot unravel this jumble of thoughts. This myriad of contemplations continuously plague me. I knew this would come sooner or later. I’ve been expecting it. For me a euphoric high is always followed by a devastating low. It’s hardly ever caused by a person other than myself. I am not who I want to be. I am not where I want to be in the end. But I was told something so wonderful. I was told something that shakes the foundation of any man. And even still I did what I usually do. I began to analyze myself. Contemplate everything that I am. And ultimately I end up tearing myself apart. This is now me trying to keep from destroying myself.

Contemplations of self….

They are rarely gentle. It does no good lying to yourself. I was once told that you can lie to everyone else but never ever lie to yourself. I honestly want to be more than what I was and what I am. I want to be something truly wonderful for myself and all those I care for. And it’s difficult. Especially when the only person to truly judge me is myself. I know that I cannot be perfect. But I can try. I can fight tooth and nail to ascend beyond what I am.

Yet I still cannot think….

Am I really that bad? Am I really as horrible as I think I am? Can I still ascend?